it is raining again, but I have to be grateful for the moments of sun we did have in the past couple of days...

Working a full-time job then rehearsal thereafter for four more hours AND rehearsing on the weekends is a drain of a type that I always underestimate.

Starting on Tuesday we'll be up to 5 hours a night, in preparation for our February 9th preview and the 11th opening night.

I am getting more bits and pieces of the lines down....our intrepid directrix is consistent in continually shifting the blocking and it is supertough. For those who might be more theatrically oriented, I'll add the layer of the fact that almost none of the blocking is organic to the text (it is mostly functional or all about creating a certain picture on stage)...and since the text is almost entirely "found" text and the piece is a collage of movement and bits and slices of whatnot, there is almost NO organic flow to help you through the moment-to-moment plotting of the beats within the arc of the show.

All of this basically means that it is superfucking hard work, yo.

I had a strange week at the new job...it it alright, mostly, but in the same way that intimacy with a person reveals their quirks, time in a job reveals its details.

On the plus side, I found out that one of the cooler folks in the office is, truly, a Home Girl: she and I grew up 3 blocks form one another.

How fucking strange is that?!?!

We spent an hour with going "oh oh! DO you remember Munchmaker?!?! Ooo, Jackson Hole Burgers!! Holy shit, you know her from Hunter?!?!?!' and dishing about The City.

It was great. I hope that maybe we can be friends because I think she is neato.

With all of the rehearsing this week, and various scheduling insanity I haven't been able to hang out much with John, but he came to meet me Wednesday after work to drive me to rehearsal....I saw him for all of 55 minutes but I was happy to have the precious time. It made me smile. He mentioned that he does indeed my blog(s) so hi if you are reading this. I kind if didn't know how to react to that, since I try to write what I write with consideration and respect, but without censoring my emotional truth. I know it has been kind of problematic, occasionally, but there it is.

Plus, if I wanna dish, I will just post for girls only :-P

Anyhoo, yeah!

I went to Vallejo to stay over after rehearsal yesterday. I was hoping to be able to see him again tonight, so I called him after we wrapped this evening. He was very low-key, though. More than usual...I was feeling that tonights hoped-for date was not in the cards. This made me a sad, and I tried to be all positive and evolved about it.

But I felt more like foot-stompy-kidgirl. And pissy. And let-down.

Mostly because I feel happier spending time with him, also because things are hectic and time is crunched. But he ... well. Seemed to not want to leave his house, and didn't offer the opportunity for me to visit.

After I got off of the phone, I worked up the gumption to call him back and tell him how I felt.

(Please note, self, this is A Big Deal and you should be proud because you did, what for you is a Hard Thing! Yay you!!)

I have little idea how well that went over, but I can't worry about expressing myself. So long as I am honest and not spiteful or trying to manipulate, I understand it is A Good Thing to tell people how you feel, right? If it is the truth that I would like to spend time with him and he doesn't want to, I think it is OK for me to say "Well, this is what I would like, and here are my feelings, and I hope you understand them, and I am bummed!"

Or maybe I am just too needy...or insecure?

I DO felt better, on some level even just saying it. And the fact it is minimizes my impulse to spin it out into some huge fucking "thing" over which I would obsess is positive.

I have had entire relationships where I almost never really said what I really thought, because I was afraid they would think I was too _________ (fill in the blank) and therefore I kept myself squeezed down in order to not seem "Too much".

But I do not think that is such a great idea.

All of those relationships are extinct. SO, that obviously was NOT a Long Term Plan for Success!

Well, this gives me time to relax and do more line-work

Or try to.

There seems to be only so much I can manage in one day.

*sigh*

This is the part of "getting to know someone" I find the hardest....waiting for the little heart-and-mind-shell to open enough to see if there is a pearl waiting inside, just for you.