I think a core reason I often feel tentative about my place in social situations and interactions is because I need a positive, net-gain biofeedback loop of interest and / or enthusiasm. If i work my ass off and no one says "Yeah, good job." I tend to re-assess the amount of ass I have worked off because it wasn't acknowledged.

This is not an optimal situation, by any means. It would be safer, emotionally, for me to be able to have a surety in my own self-worth which is independent of another's opinion.

Having spent a great deal of time shellacking my emotional reactions to sensory input with heavy-handed brush of judgment about the veracity of those feelings, it is INCREDIBLY challenging to just have an emotional reaction, let it be, and move on.

Sometimes I manage this smoothly. More often, I have a strong reaction or a seemingly bizarre reaction and I assume I am insane / a bitch / an insane bitch.

I often censor myself because I am afraid to sound crazy, to make demands, to ask for help, to vent.

I'm having a tough time figuring out how to "Be In The Moment" in my current relationship because there are no set roles. There is not really an acknowledged formal relationship. We're "seeing one another" and not fucking other people. So, there are a few boundaries, actually. But...well. Not many.

I Like boundaries. I LIKE my (self-applied, thank you.) labels. They are a comfort. I know that is not true for everyone. So then you have to think: is it a conflict of interest when someone rejects them as limiting or unnecessary? Or is it a no-fault difference of opinion that is irreconcilable? Part of me really really really wants to feel OK trusting the universe and letting each day come after the next without the illusion of stuff and fluff like "commitment". And part of me wants to feel owned and collared and move through the word with that energetic momentum realized in my head and in my hearts. I want to be prioritized, necessary, integrated.

And part of me is just really OVER being disappointed, being put off, being told "I don't know", being told "It isn't you, it's me." because the catch 22 is, I can't really open up and love and strive with all of my energy and soul if I think that they don't want it, can't handle it, are afraid of it.

Nothing is guaranteed. This is true. But if you feel passionately, or if you want to create a safe place for passionate feelings, how can you do that when you hold back, because of fear or doubt? Is this a chicken or egg question?

Dammit.

I am already feeling...tentative about a lot in my life.

WHY, o WHY,when I go to look into buying tickets for The Richard Cheese concert here in SF do I have to have the Bimbo's page cough up the "JUST ANNOUNCED" big red letters that there is a concert by that .... that man.

And I feel like a lame pathetic PATHETIC foolish dummy ass loser for that making me feel icky and strange :-(

I am subbing yet again for UBS and it seems the reason is because they treat the peons like ... well ... peons.

Please, feel free to assume that any black woman you see here is uneducated and used to being invisible. Oh, and treating someone you hire as a "Hospitality Manager" like a house nigger is fine too.

I, fortunately, do not have to put up with this shit. A well placed extra crisp verbal flow of American Standard....which, btw, almost no one speaks IRL...shuts up the fuck of even the most tight-assed financial sycophant.

Rrrrr.


I am REALLY glad that the placement man at my office talked me away from this position. 6:00 AM start time aside (shudder) the manner in which they are treating the woman who usually has this position is achieving the desired effect: she wants out.

....


The woman who I am working with today is on her way out too. She was interested to learn I'm a performing artist / actor, which she asked me about. She wondered if it was, say, a second job? How much I made....one wry smile at my own expense later, explaining it was more of an artistic fulfillment sort of thing and not for money, per se, though I would love to have that be what I do she nodded in understanding "Right....so, it is your hobby!"

Ouch.

I can't even really articulate the "ouch".

Is that the truth? Am I living a backwards existence, where that which feeds me is merely an adjunct, a hobby, something I do for "fun"?

Oh gods that brought up a lot.

At least the view here is pretty.....